Dropping the ball...

Yep, it's December and I didn't post anything in November.

Thank you for checking in during the radio silence.

Yes, I dropped the ball and this space suffered.

No. There was no good reason. It just happened:

I was sick. Jimmy had a fever, but only for an evening. I had a job interview. The US election happened. A pizza oven that Michael and Pop have been working on was completed and used for the first time. Jimmy had a fever for a few days. Michael had a job interview. My brother wasn't going to be visiting Brisbane and then all of a sudden he was, so we went to have lunch with him. I did not get the job (Michael did not get the one he interviewed for either). I came down with an epic sore throat. Jimmy developed a blocked nose. There may have been another trip to Brisbane for some socialising, only Jimmy and I were still sick. Everyone in the household came down with sore throats. And now everyone seems to be better, but Jimmy's nose still runs.

And now the days are hot, there's a tray of mangoes on the bench, storms are rolling in some time after lunch and it's beginning to feel like Christmas time.

Heatwave aside, I'm trying to get back into things and manage my energy levels and sleep pattern and time, so that I can get through the hot days and cool nights and still feel like I'm achieving things. I'm trying to pick up the ball and get back into writing here and job applications and craft projects and advent activities.

It sounds like a lot, but it's not, I hope. Hopefully, with good health and good sleep, this month will be productive.

42/52

a portrait of my son, once a week, every week in 2016

Jimmy: Stomping in a creek, in the wrong boots, his PJ's, an awesome jumper, Granny's badge, and a bandaid covering some self-inflicted carpet burn.

And if you ask, he'll demonstrate how he had his hands on the carpet and how he was dragging his face on the carpet. We hardly noticed it until about 30 minutes after he had done it, even though we had seen him in action, and by the time this photo was taken the scab was starting to come off, so the bandaid was there to stop the scab coming off before it was all healed. Michael took these lovely photo - thanks!

Pink-eye passports...

Because I have conjunctivitis, I was reminded of when I had conjunctivitis the week we went to Chicago to get new passports...

And my oh-so-lovely passport photo did not prevent me from re-entering Australia - phew! When we returned, we did our immigration thing with a Customs Officer at a desk marked: Australian Families (or similar). As a result, I have no idea how my passport would affect the performance of the face recognition at the automated Customs (or whatever it's called). From experience, it's no big deal - my fringe was registered as a scar or similar and when the machine doing the face recognition thing didn't like what it was processing, the Customs Officer who I saw wasn't worried and was happy to stamp my passport when I asked.

But, presumably, I'll be travelling with Michael and Jimmy for the next 9 years, if we travel outside of Australia in that time, so the awful photo on my passport will not read by a machine - it will be seen by people.

Dear friends...

We are coming back to Australia. Probably almost three if I scheduled this right.

But we might not be much fun for a little while.

Why?

Well, we don't have much to be excited about, because we are returning to Australia without work lined up, for the second time in nearly 10 years and the economic climate seems very similar, even if our skill sets are a little different.

Yes, we are happy to be coming back to Australia, but we would like to be able to support ourselves, save up for a house or apartment, put money aside for our retirement, and have something leftover so that we might go camping around Australia or whatever. You know... we just want a simple life where we don't need to worry about contracts dependent on grants coming through, so that we can settle down in one place and never have to move again.

We live in hope that this is in our future, but right now we are unemployed and that sucks and it hurts. We will have our good days and bad days, days when we're eager to catch up and others when we cannot deal, cannot adult, and being around friends who are employed and/or paying off a mortgage is too much. Seriously.

So, before we catch up there are a few things I'd like to clarify:

• we are happy to be back in Australia, but that does not make it home; 
• we are happy to see you, but we are not excited to be unemployed; 
• we are happy to see familiar things, eat familiar foods, and smell familiar smells, but we have taken Jimmy away from the only home he knows;
• you might think you know Jimmy, but he doesn't know you, so give him time to come to terms with is surroundings and then slowly engage him in something - something that involves running around preferably;
• catching up may be emotionally very difficult for us, so if we put things off or cancel for no apparent reason, it is simply because that day or that week is hard and we can't.

This is part of reverse culture shock and life not going as we would have liked. This is part of trying to judge where we're at each day and provide Jimmy with some sort of routine and stability, until the inevitable happens and we move. Again.

For the most part, Jimmy is taking the upheaval well and has been very good about not getting in the way of cleaning. He's been enjoying being at home with Daddy, but he knows something is up and that makes him clingy and withdrawn at times. He can be drawn out, with the help of other children or an entertaining father (not necessarily Michael), but some days he is easily overwhelmed - just like anyone who has had to move a long way away from familiar people and returned more than a year later.

We will do our best to catch up and reconnect, because we don't know where the next job will take us. If it's been two (or more!) years since we've seen you, then we don't want to wait another 2 years to see you again. And we will make the effort.

We understand that your lives have changed, but please forgive us if we sound pissed off that you're not dropping everything to come and see us. As we will be living in Warwick for the foreseeable future, we cannot make it to Brisbane every weekend, even if we are unemployed - actually, especially if we're unemployed because petrol costs money, something we don't have much of and something that's not coming in.

If we are lucky and are able to remain in Australia, if we find work and are able to settle in and make a new home for ourselves, it will take us about 3 months to find our groove. Please be patient with us, because you are important to us and we want to fit our life back into yours, as best we can, given all the changes everyone and everything has been through in the past 2 year.

And for the friends we made in Manhattan, KS: you will be missed. Stay in touch as best as you can - we will do the same. Who knows, we might live in the same town or city again, and we will try to pick up where we left off, but changes that come with time (and life) might make that difficult too.

Hopefully, we receive some news to make us excited about the next stage in the life of our little family. Hopefully soon.

See you when we land,

Kamala

The winter funk...

[About 35 days ago this post would have been titled "daylight fading" after the Counting Crows song, but we're past the Winter Solstice and the days are slowly lengthening, so that title doesn't make sense.]

Yep. The winter funk.

Except that it doesn't start in winter. It starts around the beginning of October, about the time when we have to set alarms and wake and get ready for work in the dark for a few weeks until daylight savings is no longer in effect. The days are still warm, but there is a chill in the air and the first rays of light no longer reach the kitchen.

And then November first rolls around, no more daylight savings, and we're getting up with the sun again - winter might be coming, but getting up with the sun is good. For a few weeks.

As December and the Winter Solstice creep closer, we find ourselves getting up before the sun rises or short on time if we wake when our bedroom starts filling with light. By the time we are out of the apartment, the sun is up and doing its best to warm the air, but it sets quickly and we find ourselves coming home in the dark...

We're not so far north that the sun rises and sets between 9 am and 5 pm, but Michael and I are more used to living closer to the equator and this lack of sunlight hours really does have a negative impact on our mental health.

I noticed it in Michael last year, this winter funk. And the reprieve brought on by the turning back on the clocks. And I noticed it in myself this year. It doesn't help that we're homesick, cold, stressed, anxious, and feeling very down on our luck. It also doesn't help that Michael doesn't like December-January in general and I don't like being away from my parents and siblings at this time of year, for more than one year at a time.

Ah winter funk...

And then it ices or snows and we feel like the cold is worth it (although snow is preferable).

We made the effort to indulge Jimmy's recent obsession with Christmas lights, and realised that they're not just Christmas lights - they're Winter lights, bringing light into the dark, lifting spirits (as well as electricity bills and carbon emissions...).

Speaking of Jimmy: he is the only member of our little family who seems immune to the winter funk. He's a happy little Vegemite, for whom all this seasonal stuff is the norm. He also lights up our life in a way Christmas lights never will.

The winter funk is a little debilitating, a little draining, and takes a bit of effort to shake, but it's seasonal. It's temporary. Now that we are past the Winter Solstice and the days are definitely getting longer, little by little, the funk is slowly lifting, even if the coldest days are yet to come.

When daylight savings start up in March we have a small relapse, even if the days are warmer, getting up in the dark is not my ideal. At least there is more afternoon light. Around this time the morning sunlight will no longer hit the map over the dining table and will move back across to the kitchen. The days will be longer, warmer, and we will be closer to returning to Australia... And then, hopefully, winter funk will be a memory and no longer an annual thing.

Last week, in photos...

Hanging out after seeing the doctor, who confirmed that Jimmy needed medication for conjunctivitis.

Hanging out, driving the trolley with the funny-little-car, as we went from one place to the next, waiting to his prescription to come through (for those of you who don't know, medical centers fax prescriptions to a designated pharmacy and then patients pick up their medicine - not always efficient).

Jimmy took this one! The bunting was made by my mum (aka Granny) and was a Christmas present. It's nice to have a picture of this corner of the living room and it's all the better for being taken by Jimmy.

Also taken by Jimmy and not as blurry as last week.

A combination of mandarins and lozenges helped me through this week as I have a sore throat that triggers a nasty cough and it's been hanging around for far too long.

Jimmy helped with fold some laundry. He just wanted to take part and be like me - he usually puts away his undies and today he folded 3 washers (the bottom 3). Sometimes I am amazed that Montessori style learning can happen spontaneously when we allow Jimmy the space to copy us. And yes, the clothes were placed in their 'home' as you see them because Jimmy did a really good job.

Daddy helping Jimmy distribute his eye gel medicine around his eyes, by telling him to move his eyes around while keeping them closed. The conjunctivitis is almost gone and Jimmy has been really good about us putting the gel on the insides of his eyelids, but that doesn't mean he likes it.

Disruptive weeks and stolen days...

There was a big, long draft for this post... and it's gone. Perhaps it's for the best - it was rather long...

Let's just say that there were two weeks that were very disruptive, ending about a week ago. Why? Well, Jimmy had two viruses. Back to back, poor boy.

There were days when we dropped him off at daycare only to be called up because he had a fever or threw up. Sometimes he was fine the following morning and sometimes daycare required that he be fever free before he returned.

There was even a trip to the doctor, just to make sure that Jimmy's cough and fever were nothing serious - and they were nothing serious.

There were days when Jimmy seemed to have energy and appetite, only to end in long naps and slight fever again.

There were two days when Jimmy seemed healthy, so we ran around, even went to the library, just like old times... Sweet, stolen days...

There was a night, or early morning (3 am), when we thought for a second that we had to make a run to the emergency room but it was a tight nappy.

There were days when Jimmy hardly touched his food and nights when he was breastfeeding every hour, not that I was checking.

And then Jimmy started eating again, started running around the living room again, and fully returned to his chirpy, cheeky self.

The first day back at work was the worst: Jimmy screamed at dropoff... The last time I had left him screaming in the arms of non-family he was less than two days old. I couldn't deal. I just couldn't. Jimmy didn't like it either, he missed hanging out at home too, sweet child.

And now we're back in the swing of things, and drop off is smooth, work if fine, and Jimmy is healthy: he is eating more than me and ever so cheeky - it's great, but I miss hanging out with my boy...

P.S. A quick thank you to everyone who checked in while all I was posting was the 52 Project. It's nice to know that you were thinking about us, over at the Playground.

Ouchie!

Don't let the honeysuckle fool you - this isn't about bee stings... it's about my knee...

I managed to dislocate my left kneecap yesterday. How? I'm still not sure... I was rolling around on the floor, picking up hairs the vacuum missed, and somehow I moved my leg so that POP! my kneecap slipped out of place. The ensuing seconds were some of the longest seconds I have experienced in a very long time... And then POP! it was back in place.

Only everything hurt. From my foot to my hip.

This is not the first time I have dislocated a kneecap, and everything I did that time was, well, wrong. Last time I iced it, kept off it, ended up hurting my good leg, and a few days later was on crutches for a week. And I had a dancing exam in 4 weeks time - I didn't take the exam.

So, this time? Please remember that I am not a medical professional, so I have probably done something wrong this time too, but here goes: this time I gently moved my knee and gently rubbed it, kept moving the joint just enough to stop it from seizing up and put a little weight on it, albeit a little gingerly, and often using my arms to help get me off the floor. The pain was a little nauseating, and the whole thing draining, but my knee was still usable.

When I woke up this morning I was pleasantly surprised to find my knee a lot less sore. Still tender, but much easier to use than yesterday.

Jimmy has been incredibly patient and we have manage to avoid further aggravation of the injury. Michael is also being wonderful, and while I am still using my leg, I am also staying off it as much as needed. It would be wonderful to have family close by who could come and take Jimmy for a good run-around, but no...

Hopefully I'll be fully functional in a few days, although I might wait a full week before carrying Jimmy for more than 1 minute. And hopefully I haven't done any damage to my knee due to the lack of ice or gentle use.

Ummmm...

We're here. The weather is lovely. No indications that any tornadoes are on the way...

We're sick is all. Quite sick, but it's a virus and we're getting over it, little by little...

So we're here, we're just at different stages of "not well".

More when we can.

Too low for zero...

Last week was a really tough one over here at the Playground... The functional unit that is our little family suffered as one member was really, really sick, and that member was me: I came down with the flu or something like it rather suddenly last Monday, and it took the wind right out of my sails, so to speak.

There was going to be no leaving the house until I was well... and we had skipped the weekly shop, with the intention that Jimmy and I would do it in dribs and drabs, but that wasn't going to happen. Not while I was heavily congested, sore all over, and feverish. So, it was going to be a week of eating what we had in the house, unless Michael happened to do some shopping...

Did we survive? Yes. Reasonably well actually, but:

• I slept or was in bed at almost every opportunity over the past week, while somehow managing to keep up Jimmy's toilet training (more soon), and get dirty clothes and nappies washed and dried, possibly even folded and put away... Feeding Jimmy was a tricky task because I had little to no appetite, and somehow Jimmy wasn't too fussed (until we ran out of bananas...), and somehow I was still producing enough milk for him... 

• Jimmy vacuumed and investigated the vacuum for most of the week, the poor boy didn't get outside once from Monday to Friday, and he also put in some really good snoring at night. And during his daytime nap too, which would go for over 2 hours some days, especially if I was napping too, so he might have been a little sick too - no, he wasn't, he was too energetic...

• Michael was running on very little sleep (who can sleep while there are TWO snorers in the same room?), running out the door not long after we woke up (sunrise is around 7:35 or later, and our room faces north-west), returning home in the dark, only to have me disappear into the bedroom, leaving him with an energetic Jimmy and dinner prep. And the dishes. And bath duty. And story time.

Michael deserves an award for being a real champion last week.

But it was tough, because we lack the kind of community we'd built up in Brisbane, and we are far away from family. It was tough because I couldn't call up family and friends and ask them to take Jimmy for a few hours, so that I might get some more sleep - the few friends I do have here either aren't familiar enough with Jimmy or have small children of their own, and I wasn't interested spreading the ickiness. It was tough because we're too far away to ask my Dad (aka Pop) over for a few days to cook for us, so that Michael can have a break, even if it's only for 20 minutes.

We've had broken sleep, called family at 2:30 am, and were all out of honey, oranges, bananas, fresh vegetables, and frozen pizzas by Thursday because getting to the shops in the evenings was a little beyond us (it's cold, we don't have a car, and I wasn't going to ask Michael to go out after a long day at work - I was sick, not unreasonable (I hope)). What little sunlight we might have had was obscured by clouds, and it was too cold to go out anyway... At least the K-State dairy was open, so Michael could get some eggs and milk on his lunchbreak. And we had emergency backup foods, for just this sort of thing... And a package arrived, with two presents for Jimmy and a Christmas cake*.

The ultimate outcome is that we have a stronger resolve to be back in Australia by May 2015. Being this far from home is ok, while we're ok and well, but I haven't been so sick in years and I haven't been so drained since my first trimester with Jimmy, so last week we were not ok, and we wanted to go home...

Then on Friday afternoon the sun came out for about an hour, and it was warm enough for me to open up the place, and Michael had made some good science happen, and my congestion was going, so our week ended on a higher note than it started.

And on Saturday Michael took Jimmy outside, while I stayed in bed, still too heavy of head and body to move, but I was no longer congested. Sunday saw us make it to the shops, we even bought some felt to make some decorations for the Winter Solstice.

We still want to go home, but now that we're feeling a little more "I'm still standing" than "Too low for zero" since we have caught up a little on sleep and the rational parts of our brains are coming back online. We know that the days will soon be getting longer, and that staying here another year will be ok. Not necessarily ideal, but better for Michael's sciencing and better for my uterus** because we'll be waiting until we're back in Australia before having baby #2.

And now that I'm pretty much back on my feet, there's work to do: the freezer needs restocking with hearty meals; Michael's vest needs finishing (I'm sooo close!); there's my sister's visit to prepare for; Jimmy is going to need a bigger beanie before winter is through, but he needs socks first; and there are Solstice and Christmas preparations to get under way... Phew! That's actually a long list of things to do.



*My Aunty L makes Christmas cakes for the whole family in June/July, so that's probably at least 3 cakes each year. This year she made at least 4 cakes - and she sent us one, and it's a little piece of home, and it almost wouldn't be Christmas without it.
**I really need to put Jimmy's birth story up...

Five happy things for five days...

Jimmy smelling the roses, while they were still there to be enjoyed.

A month ago a friend invited me to take part in a "5 happy things for 5 days" challenge that was doing the rounds on Facebook. I gladly took part, especially as I was enjoying reading what my friends were putting up for their 5 happy things each day. How hard could it be, right?

Well, it wasn't always easy to find 5 things every day to be happy about. It might have just been that week, but for some reason I felt rather down, kinda flat really. Whether it was highlighting the good when we're so far from family and friends, hormonal shifts as Jimmy breastfeeds less and less, or that I'd abused my sourdough starter so much that it basically wasn't going anywhere, I don't know. It could have been all of those things.

During the following week my sourdough starter picked up again, thanks to some tender care and double feeding (more later?), and my mood improved too. A friend who was also doing her 5 happy things pointed out that now, this day and age, is actually a really good time to be a woman: we have so much more control over our lives, so much more say in what happens, so many more rights, so much more freedom, than any of our female ancestors (collectively, and yes, there are still improvements to be made in the general standing of women, but we have come along way and being reminded of that made me happy). And the weather improved.

I also made an effort to get out a little more with Jimmy, whether it was just the two of us or with friends, and that helped too. So did contacting friends back in Australia, some of whom I hadn't really spoken to in a few months. 

So, here are my 5 happy things for 5 days:

Day 1:

1. Having a little boy who was happy to play with boxes, laundry baskets, and a doona all day;
2. Michael. This guy rocks;
3. Not having to worry about how I'm going to get the nappies dry on a cold, wet day (yay for tumble driers!);
4. A special group of mummies for oversharing, venting, and support, even if we're separated by the Pacific Ocean;
5. Having friends in Manhattan who found today just as cold and dreary.

Day 2:

1. Seeing Jimmy interact with other small children at playgroup;
2. Turning lovely wool, from my lovely sister, into a (hopefully) lovely beanie;
3. Homemade sourdough bread, with blue vein cheese;
4. Watching Michael and Jimmy together. The joy is immense;
5. Ice cream at the end of what turned out to be a long day.

Day 3:

1. Baby hair;
2. Baby smell;
3. Knowing that baby smell and baby hair make Michael happy too;
4. Nursing my baby to sleep;
5. Being physically exhausted from babywearing, because my baby is growing big and strong.

Day 4:

1. A healthy child;
2. Having a doctor agree that Michael and I have a healthy child;
3. Vaccinations to help keep my child healthy;
4. Coffee and monkey bread to make up for an early start;
5. Living in a complex that hosts dinners for its (warm and friendly) residents (read: not having to cook dinner after a long day, and chatting with locals). 

Day 5:

1. My family and friends, here and around the globe;
2. Knowing how to knit and sew, because I learnt these skills from family members - thanks Mum (aka Granny)!
3. Eating waffles while playing Worms - thanks Michael!
4. Having friends around the world who care about our planet enough to spend their lives looking out for it, working to improve our environment through conservation or sustainable agriculture or education;
5. Reading what friends have said in their 5 for 5, especially when they remind me that now is a really good time to be alive, especially as a woman - thanks G!

Reading these happy things I can pick the days that weren't so great (Day 3 in particular), but I think Day 5 was pretty good. It was an interesting exercise, and enjoyable too. It also marks our halfway point - 6 months down, 6 months to go... We're over that hump, but our future is not clear and I may yet to another 5 happy things for 5 days, when I need to remember to enjoy the now and distract myself from uncertainty in the future.

33/52

"a portrait of my son, once a week, every week in 2014"

Jimmy: No longer sick, but still a snotty, drool monster with plenty of kisses for Mum.

Kisses! All of the kisses! All of the snotty, drooly kisses have been coming my way this week, because Jimmy and I have been under the weather, Jimmy more so than me. His runny nose has kept us away from playgroup and seen us walk to uni a fair few times, just for some sun and something to do. We've also read all of the books at least 3 times everyday, listened to the Wiggles so often that I know most of the words to most of the songs. We've also eaten a lot of chicken (asparagus, corn, noodle) soup and garlic. Two bulbs of garlic... Yep, I'm sure people could smell it coming from our pores. The funny thing is, that despite being sick, despite only having Jimmy for company during the day (unless we went out and found Michael, who had a bit of a virus too), I've had a lovely week. It's been slow, but it's been full of rest, lots of cuddles, lots of laughs (mostly when I went to wipe the snot from Jimmy's face and tried to get him to blow his nose), lots of learning (Jimmy is getting pretty good at this walking business), and lots of kisses! P.S. we're all well again.

Oh and I've been knuckling down and working out the return leg of our upcoming road trip to Canada. We're going with my parents who will be here in a week, then we'll go visit my Mum's brother and his family. I'm excited but I'm also a little nervous about so much car travel with Jimmy, who has a love-hate relationship with car travel.

I need to thank Michael for taking this lovely photo, and framing it so that the snotted on part of my top was out of the photo. And as Michael pointed out, the last lot of photos went up without any descriptions. That is now fixed. Michael does take lovely photos.

Pride before a fall...

We had Jimmy's 12 month checkup and vaccinations last week. I have to admit I was a little sad that we weren't seeing our GP in Brisbane. Ah well, the doctor we saw was friendly and we had a good chat. Of course Jimmy was weighed and measured by a nurse before we actually saw the doctor and another nurse administered the jabs, but at least the room we were in had windows and we didn't have to wait more than 5 minutes between seeing each of them, unlike our experience when I had mastitis.

Jimmy was really good while the nurse weighed and measured him - no squirming or fussing (win #1) - and

A weighty matter...

Samoa 2008: holding Princess while Radar watches (the dogs belonged to our landlords).

A funny thing has been happening to me lately, something I'm not used to, and something that I'm not entirely sure how to respond to:

People are commenting on how much weight I've lost since they last saw me... they're saying I look skinny...